With all the years gone by since my father’s passing, missing him and mourning his death have never diminished.  I’m thinking of him so strongly today….and how much I learned from him during my short 20 years of being his daughter.  Whenever I was sad, stressed, bewildered, or disillusioned with life as a teenager, I would wake up to find on my pillow, Kipling poems that he would write down from memory on a scrap piece of paper.  It was his way of telling me that life does indeed get tough but, the human spirit will always manage to triumph.  Being an artist and wood carver, he would surprise me with gifts he had made – usually out of the blue and no special occasion.  Although he hasn’t been with me for so many years, I’ve continually tried to make him proud --- Always done my best and always felt his love by my side.  I can’t help but, believe that he’s still sharing great poems with me, beautiful art, and scenes of nature that he doesn’t want me to miss.  I remember him so vividly, sitting on the front porch during summer thunder storms, watching spiders spin webs, or watching hummingbirds gather around his feeders.  And so, as I too enjoy these same splendors and probably have a lot of his same beliefs, I am ok with the woman I’ve become.  And I hope he is too.  I’m honoring his memory today…on no special occasion by sharing one of his carvings of an Aztec Corn God that he meticulously created not long before his death.  It’s one of my favorites and I’m pretty sure it was one of his as well.  I love you, Daddy and will miss you always.  

Fate

I've been thinking a lot about fate lately and how, for such a small and simple word, it determines so much about our lives. At first glance, the word "fate" may seem illusory or implausible; that it holds no validity when it comes to controlling our lives. However, if you think of fate in terms of being able to control it, then it becomes more tangible and realistic.


So, what does all of this mean? Well, if you look back in (your) time, maybe something specific like a job, a relationship, or even just a one day event, you can easily see how it affected you, what you learned from the experience, or what you gained or lost. After examining this particular situation closely, you may realize that the events leading up to it fell into place because of something you desired. This can all seem confusing and sort of like being in a maze but, we've all used the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" at one time or another. We almost feel like we have to believe that. I mean, what choice do we have anyway? It happened and we have to deal with it.

I can look back on major events in my life and sort of put the pieces to several puzzles together. I wish I had kept a more consistent and daily journal because my memory is starting to fade on so many events. Even the more recent ones!! I can talk to old friends and they will bring up events that I have completely forgotten. Sometimes I'll say, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that" and then other times my mind is completely blank.

So, the word "fate" to me is heavy-laden. It's rather grandiose for a simple four-letter word. It's an all-encompassing, larger than life, kind of word. Sometimes it can even be a little scary or intimidating. It's your FATE! Ahhh! Scary! But, then realistically it's something that we can embrace and examine and cherish. We can hold our lives in the palm of our hand, examine them, analyze them and say, "Oh, I get it now."

To be quite honest, I haven't been happy with 100% of my fate. Maybe 75%?? There are so many things I wish I had done differently. There are also many things that I wish I could change about my personality and my behaviors. But, are we able to really do that? Does "fate" take over anyway? No matter how we try to change and take control, will fate always dominate? It seems to be a vicious cycle in some ways. Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

I figure I've lived about two-thirds of my life (I'm thinking optimistically here that I don't get hit by a truck tomorrow). So, I still have some time to consider my fate and try to make some sense of it. I don't view my life as a total waste, although as I said earlier, I would certainly do some things differently. But, I certainly don't want to be stagnant and wait around to just see what fate has to offer. I would like to have a little more control in the matter. I feel that I deserve that much.

So....fate....you're a tiny word with a lot of weight. I challenge you today. I will look you in the eyes and go forward with my life. I will hold tightly all the things that have made me who I am today. I will cradle my happy times like a baby and keep them safe. As fate would have it, life is pretty nice right now!

Tick Tock

I know. It's been forever since I've posted on here. Where's my inspiration? Where's all of my designated writing time? What happened to my desire to write?

Honestly, the days seem to go by so quickly! I never get as much done as I plan to and my list never gets completely completed. There's always one or two or three things that I never get to. Yet, I see (or actually read on facebook) a lot of my friends living for Fridays. Willing the days to go by quickly. Every time I read a post such as, "two more days until Friday," or "7 hours and 25 minutes until the weekend," I can't help but think that so many people are wishing their lives away!

Maybe because I'm getting older and right on the outskirts of 50, I'm very sensitive about wishing for warp speed when it comes to my days of living. Maybe it's because I don't have a job that I dislike or maybe it's because I don't have a job at all! I know that I was always counting down the days to holidays when I worked as a teacher. Days off from work during the week were the best! So sure, I have certainly been guilty of wanting days (or weeks) to go by oh so quickly.

I guess it all comes down to loving, enjoying, and relishing in what we do on a daily basis, particularly our jobs. My biggest job right now is raising my son. I certainly don't want the days to zoom by when it comes to him being young and thinking of me as a goddess! To him, I'm beautiful, funny, entertaining, amazing, and basically..... omnipotent! Yes, that's me.....Mommie the Goddess of Everything! All hail to me!

So, I guess while I'm panicking over what doesn't get done on my "To Do" list and my friends are TGIFing, the earth will just continue to spin on its axis as usual. Creating 60 seconds in every minute, 60 minutes in every hour, 24 hours in every day, seven days in a week, and so on. Time. It is what it is ....... and no amount of wishing, dreading, anticipating, or holding our breath will ever change it. Not here on earth anyway. But, that's a "whole nother" blog post.

Autumn

Autumn rain here in the Blue Ridge Mountains can be a gloomy affair. It’s cooler than the weather we’ve previously experienced in late August, it’s darker outside – even at noon, and it continues for a much longer period. Gone are the short and warm summer showers. During the fall season, rain continues steadily for sometimes several days. We don’t really appreciate it like we do in the summer since nothing needs to grow, like crops or flowers and so we wonder why we even need so much rain at one time.

My house has a tin roof and I love it! I grew up in a house with a tin roof so, naturally it produces a sound that proves to be nostalgic, relaxing, and settling to me. I wonder why we are drawn to such droning sounds. The ocean sounds the same 24/7 as the waves hit the sand, yet we love that continuous and lulling resonance. We’re out on the beach most of the day and if we are fortunate to have ocean front lodging, we open our doors or windows at night so that we can hear that same sound. Odd, we humans are. (I’m forming my sentences like Yoda in Star Wars now!!) I’d like to think that we develop these habits and tendencies because we are drawn to forces of nature. I mean, some people even buy machines to mimic the sounds of nature and use them for sleep or relaxation purposes.

Ok, so back to the autumn rains (I digress!). There’s also something sad about this rainy season. We know that the leaves will be coming off the trees soon and the green fields will be turning to sprays of brown and wheat colors. Corn fields will be stripped of the vibrant green stalks and look like shreds of paper blowing from sticks. Flower gardens that looked so vibrant in color and freshly manicured in the spring and summer, will have a swampy and dismal appearance.

We put away our shorts and t-shirts and pull out wrinkled bundles of sweat pants and long sleeved shirts from boxes labeled “winter clothes.” We hear chainsaws in the distance as people prepare to stock wood piles for heat. We smell the first remnants of wood smoke traveling through the air like a familiar song we might hear on the radio. It’s a sure reminder that cold days and nights are ahead.

I can’t help but equate this time of year to my own life. I guess when I let go of tending to my flowers and wearing sandals, I also relinquish my free-spirited and blithe demeanor for a more conservative and sheltered mindset. The doors are closed and I retreat to my cocoon of warmth and protection. I focus now on the dusty shelves and neglected corners of the rooms, much like the inside of my head! I tune in …… and turn in ……. and listen. Oh yeah, I think…….there’s that. It’s back. That darkness that can spread so rapidly before I even know it's there. So, it’s time to pamper myself with a hot cider and soup like therapy. Wrap myself up in a blanket and fight off the coldness of the world.

I watch and listen to the rain outside my window, thinking of the many autumns that have passed through my life. The multitudes of people with whom I have shared my time and thoughts. The mass of feelings that have swept through my heart. And I can only hope that with the rain that falls on this autumn day, so will my fears and obscurity. That I will have the warm and sheltering comfort of my friends and family. That I will take time out from the grey skies of this season and focus on the sunshine that finds its way inside me..... if I let it. I think I will.

Adrenaline

I'm up early this morning. On one hand, that's a good thing because I "think" best in the mornings and seem to get more accomplished on my to-do list. On the other hand, I only had about 4 hours of good sleep and I have a long and packed day ahead of me. I know that around 3:00 or 4:00 this afternoon, I'll be wanting a nap and won't be able to partake of that luxury today. Why does this always seem to happen? When our schedule for the day is quite full and our bodies haven't had the adequate amount of rest needed to get through the tasks. How much of our lives do we operate on adrenaline?

When I was younger, this sleep deprived/active lifestyle phenomenon seemed to be the norm for me. College (all 10 years of it) consisted of all nighters, studying, writing papers, or completing projects that I waited until the last minute to do. It also consisted of partying with friends and experiencing inebriation on a week night, merging into the next morning. We would then attend that 8:00 am class with red eyes, brain fog, and remnants of alcohol on our breath, no matter how much we gargled with mouthwash (actually it seem to exude from our pores).

But, there's a lot to be said for adrenaline and I, for one have subsisted on its unique qualities for many years. It seems to kick in when we're doing something we love or something we have to do! I doubt it can be measured scientifically, easily anyway, as it deals with brain.....stuff. (I know.....I have a scholarly vocabulary). Nonetheless, whatever it is...it's good stuff.
It's actually a hormone that we naturally produce, via our adrenal gland, when we are in high-stress or physically exhilarating situations. Isn't that cool? To know we have a natural drug in our bodies that kicks in when we need it and we don't even have to pay for it? According to our textbook information on the term "fight or flight," we've been using this awesome drug since we had to fend off wild animals from killing us. Then, there was the "turning the tables" condition of using our adrenaline to actually kill wild animals in order to eat. According to wiseGeek.com, adrenaline is "an early evolutionary adaptation to allow better coping with dangerous and unexpected situations. With dilated blood vessels and air passages, the body is able to pass more blood to the muscles and get more oxygen into the lungs in a timely manner, increasing physical performance for short bursts of time." Huh....it gets even cooler, right?
Whatever adrenaline is, be it scientific, physical, or even spiritual, I know I'm going to be depending on it's effects for the remainder of the day and possibly throughout my life. In fact, I am quite enamored by the fact that this incredible marvel will be accompanying me whenever I need it. It's just one more gift we've been given from mother nature. Now, for that third cup of coffee......

Assignment #1

Ok, so I’ve been given this assignment from my sister (Sadie) to write about what the world would be like if we were all blind! Gee……talk about funneling down the topic for the sake of paragraph development – NOT so much in this case. Indeed, this seemed like a ridiculously broad topic to me; nevertheless, I started putting some thought into it and decided to give it a shot.

Sadie pointed out some good things regarding the economy and how it would be different. For instance, we wouldn’t be able to see how to drive, so we wouldn’t need automobiles, and we wouldn’t need the gasoline for them; hence, no need for oil wars!! So, there you go. Voila! World peace problem solved.

A multitude of industries would definitely be affected though, such as, cosmetics (nobody would care how we looked without makeup), clothing and fashion (all we’d need would be a blanket or perhaps a comfy loin cloth of some sort for the weather, comfort, and protection), home décor (we wouldn’t need to decorate our homes….just the basic furniture to sit on, lie on, and eat on), sports equipment and the sports business in general (we wouldn’t be able to see how to catch, throw, putt, kick, hit, or punch; we couldn’t watch sports either -- live or TV), so you get the point. The economy would be completely different based upon our needs.

However, knowing the human being like I do, I’m sure we’d make up for all of those unneeded industries with others. For example, we would be so much more dependent upon our other senses; particularly hearing. Therefore, the technology of sound would be a booming industry and of course we would be forced to just listen to everyone instead of LOOK and listen. So, radio and sound recordings would continue to be a huge necessity. Luckily the music industry would flourish but, unfortunately the other arts would suffer. We already know that blind people can really kick ass on a musical instrument so, no problems there. But, no need for the wonderful painters or even color for that matter! So, as this topic is getting way too broad and entirely out of hand, I will let your imagination and intrigue do the rest and come up with all the zillion other stuff I could write about but won’t!

As far as our relationships with people, a much needed change could possibly occur. We wouldn’t be so judgmental on how one looks but, we would certainly be into how they feel and smell!! We would be more conscious of how we speak and be mindful of the tone and inflections of our voices. But, perhaps by not being able to see the person we would be more intuitive with each other. We’d be more sensitive because we would “sense” others’ feelings and thoughts. Actually, we should really do that anyway but, we don’t always choose to do so. Thus, we would definitely be more dependent upon each other, I feel. I think it would be terrible to be blind and alone anyway. I’m sure that blind people today already feel alone at times even if in a large group of people -- but, physically being alone would make it even worse.

In the end, I think blindness would bring about more fear. Not really knowing what’s going on….even when you’re awake! Not seeing what people are doing, not seeing their expressions, and feeling that you’re not receiving the absolute truth. So, not only is our fear enhanced but, our trust is disabled as well.

I’m guessing that God really knew what he was doing when he gave us FIVE senses (well, actually SIX if you count intuition). He knew that we would not be whole (as a society) without the gift of sight. He knew the right combinations, ingredients, components, design, features, etc. in order to create a functional human being. I, for one am glad that he figured that one out -- Because, I really like having eyes. Sight brings me a plethora of happiness. Like when I see my son smile at me or his expression as he reads a book – I just completely melt with emotion. When I see the sunrise in the morning, I feel hope and gratitude for a continuation of life, love, and all that could possibly happen that day. When I see my mother’s face as I visit her and feel comfort, knowing that I still have her on this earth with me – seeing that same face that looked at me as a child and made me feel that I was always safe and loved. To be able to see the beautiful little house that I grew up in, as I enter the driveway. Just knowing it’s still there, looking basically the same, always makes me feel like….me again.

So, dear sister -- as I ponder your question with much thought and contemplation, let me just say that in my well-educated opinion...... I think the world would be damn scary if we were all blind! How's that for a scholarly statement? Seriously, we would probably still be thinking that we were all standing on a vast, flat surface with a lot more obstacles than just some occasional big rock that we bump into, or a wild animal that we need to run from. Our obstacles would also include fear, doubt, distrust, apprehension, and anxiety! Yeah, we all experience these emotions already but, come on……why double the dosage? So, since I obviously cannot think of a clever and significant ending for this never ending topic …..I’ll just finally end with a verse of a song that’s been going on in my head ever since I started this continuous rant:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me down.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day!

Renewal

I’ve learned a lot about people over the years but, it seems that during the past five years, I’ve had an overdose of conflict and clashing. By clashing I mean, personalities that you just don’t jive with, mesh with, or even comprehend. The main thing that I’ve realized is that some people never grow up! They create the same environment and situations that you found yourself a part of in middle and high school! They are locked in their cages of jealousy, malevolence, and resentment. They are so consumed with their own feelings that they want others to join them in experiencing the same hostility. So, they speak, and talk, and converse, and chatter…..until they feel they’ve proven their point and have gained a few converts and loyal believers. The stories start to grow, the exaggerations begin to expand, and the fabrications appear to be real and solid truth.

I’ve encountered these personalities in the workplace and the culprits have all been my age or older! I just don’t get it. I was always taught to respect my elders and by God, I have! However, these latest episodes have proven to be disheartening to me. Why is it that some people feel the need to hurt (emotionally) another human being? Why do they feel the need to diminish others’ self-esteem and strip them of faith? Are they so poisoned by jealousy and bitterness that they are willing to use the spoken word as a weapon? Why is that some people, particularly women, feed on juvenile tactics and pot-stirring?

I truly believe that we are all connected energetically by a spiritual power and force of the universe and by God. I want to believe that all human beings are innately good and in want of the betterment of mankind. I want to believe that when a person hurts another, they feel remorseful because they realize they have unjustly and mistakenly created negative energy.

I’m realizing that my previous incidents of pain and distrust have caused me to somewhat hide and hibernate. I feel that I’m currently unemployed because I am so scarred and marred that I am afraid to go back out into the battlefield of society. I guess I’m just not ready …….. and just maybe, God knows that. Perhaps he is nursing me back to spiritual health and allowing me to lick my emotional wounds. If that is the case, then I know what my next goal in this life is. I know what I must conquer and surmount: My tolerance and understanding of our diverse mankind, a stronger backbone and thicker skin to uphold my dignity, and most importantly………to renew my trust in the human spirit.