A couple of things have happened recently that have caused me to reminisce and reflect on my youth.....namely my school years. First of all, I taught a music camp at the Spencer-Penn Centre a couple of weeks ago. This place used to be an elementary school, in which I attended and is now renovated to house community events. As I walked through the very familiar halls and opened the doors to some of the classrooms, I was visually hit with instant memories. Flashes of scenes entered my mind as I nostalgically wandered the building. The smell was even familiar. But, what really intrigued me were the "feelings" that crept inside of me. Deep and familiar feelings of .........well.... discomfort, uneasiness, ....... even fear. I would drive back home each day of music camp, thinking of so many past occurrences and people. I guess "riding down memory lane" as they say. But, I just couldn't shake these odd feelings I had.
After days of this, I realized that probably everyone goes through a "not-so-happy" element of being a child in a school setting. You're expected to dwell in a very large room with other children, (who have their own set of problems and differences) and adults with loud and sometimes harsh demands. You're expected to toss aside your personal beliefs and desires for the day and conform to a multitude of rules, exercises, and duties. You're 5 or 6 years old and you have no idea what the heck is going on or why you're there in the first place. All of your conditioned responses are kicked into high gear and so you cry, worry, wonder, feel frustrated, and .....yes, feel "fear."
Oh, we get the hang of it after awhile -- some of us, more quickly than others. We adapt, we conform, and we learn the drill. We learn when to laugh and when to smile. We learn to raise our hands and hold our pee. We learn to eat what is placed before us and when it's given to us. We learn how to be quiet for long periods of time. We begin to understand that for a specified number of hours during the day, we are ......"somebody else. " We are someone totally different than who we are at home. We are the person that was created in that large room.
(Talk about going off on a tangent! Didn't intend to go there!! )
The other thing that has made me think about my school life is reconnecting with friends on Facebook. It's amazing how people seem to change over the years (not just physically) but, their ways of thinking and their daily concerns and life goals. We're aware (sometimes) that we ourselves change but, never really think about how others do. So, do we just call all of that change "growing up?" I think so.
Something that people probably never realized in school was that I was extremely....... SHY!! Yes, I was! I was insecure, timid, and always afraid. (Remember those feelings that I talked about earlier??) They mostly disappear over time but, we are constantly reminded of them throughout our lives. Basically, during our school years we're obsessed with being "accepted." We constantly strive for others' approval. Which is absolutely ludicrous because they are feeling the same things we are! Ok, another tangent.....but, we carry so much baggage from our school days with us throughout our lives. We fear that people will always remember us or see us in negative ways. But, weren't we all just experiencing life? Learning and growing? Experimenting? Going through trial and error periods? That's life. We all have to do it. The problem is that when you're "doing" all of those things, you get ridiculed and judged. Because that's how young people handle things --- Because you have gone astray from the "big classroom rules and expectations." You can't be an individual for heaven's sake.......you have to be a group! And the "group" doesn't recognize or accept differences, or ideas, or .......... growth. (I know, that's tangent #3)
I always felt different from my friends in school for one reason or another. But, I accept who I was then and know that those experiences are partly responsible for who I am today. Sometimes, my experiences were fun and brought a lot of joy......and many times they brought tears and very painful feelings of despair and frustration. But, in the end they culminated into a contented state of mind and being.......an individual who benefitted from experience. Who tasted life in sometimes unusual ways. Nevertheless, I felt what I felt .....I did what I did.....and I am who I am.
So, if you ever find yourself wandering through the halls and classrooms of one of your old schools, and you're bombarded with unidentified feelings ......... just think about my little tangents above and know that you're normal.....you're not crazy......you're not scarred from past events.......you're just.....YOU! and that's ok!
After days of this, I realized that probably everyone goes through a "not-so-happy" element of being a child in a school setting. You're expected to dwell in a very large room with other children, (who have their own set of problems and differences) and adults with loud and sometimes harsh demands. You're expected to toss aside your personal beliefs and desires for the day and conform to a multitude of rules, exercises, and duties. You're 5 or 6 years old and you have no idea what the heck is going on or why you're there in the first place. All of your conditioned responses are kicked into high gear and so you cry, worry, wonder, feel frustrated, and .....yes, feel "fear."
Oh, we get the hang of it after awhile -- some of us, more quickly than others. We adapt, we conform, and we learn the drill. We learn when to laugh and when to smile. We learn to raise our hands and hold our pee. We learn to eat what is placed before us and when it's given to us. We learn how to be quiet for long periods of time. We begin to understand that for a specified number of hours during the day, we are ......"somebody else. " We are someone totally different than who we are at home. We are the person that was created in that large room.
(Talk about going off on a tangent! Didn't intend to go there!! )
The other thing that has made me think about my school life is reconnecting with friends on Facebook. It's amazing how people seem to change over the years (not just physically) but, their ways of thinking and their daily concerns and life goals. We're aware (sometimes) that we ourselves change but, never really think about how others do. So, do we just call all of that change "growing up?" I think so.
Something that people probably never realized in school was that I was extremely....... SHY!! Yes, I was! I was insecure, timid, and always afraid. (Remember those feelings that I talked about earlier??) They mostly disappear over time but, we are constantly reminded of them throughout our lives. Basically, during our school years we're obsessed with being "accepted." We constantly strive for others' approval. Which is absolutely ludicrous because they are feeling the same things we are! Ok, another tangent.....but, we carry so much baggage from our school days with us throughout our lives. We fear that people will always remember us or see us in negative ways. But, weren't we all just experiencing life? Learning and growing? Experimenting? Going through trial and error periods? That's life. We all have to do it. The problem is that when you're "doing" all of those things, you get ridiculed and judged. Because that's how young people handle things --- Because you have gone astray from the "big classroom rules and expectations." You can't be an individual for heaven's sake.......you have to be a group! And the "group" doesn't recognize or accept differences, or ideas, or .......... growth. (I know, that's tangent #3)
I always felt different from my friends in school for one reason or another. But, I accept who I was then and know that those experiences are partly responsible for who I am today. Sometimes, my experiences were fun and brought a lot of joy......and many times they brought tears and very painful feelings of despair and frustration. But, in the end they culminated into a contented state of mind and being.......an individual who benefitted from experience. Who tasted life in sometimes unusual ways. Nevertheless, I felt what I felt .....I did what I did.....and I am who I am.
So, if you ever find yourself wandering through the halls and classrooms of one of your old schools, and you're bombarded with unidentified feelings ......... just think about my little tangents above and know that you're normal.....you're not crazy......you're not scarred from past events.......you're just.....YOU! and that's ok!
No comments:
Post a Comment