Fate

I've been thinking a lot about fate lately and how, for such a small and simple word, it determines so much about our lives. At first glance, the word "fate" may seem illusory or implausible; that it holds no validity when it comes to controlling our lives. However, if you think of fate in terms of being able to control it, then it becomes more tangible and realistic.


So, what does all of this mean? Well, if you look back in (your) time, maybe something specific like a job, a relationship, or even just a one day event, you can easily see how it affected you, what you learned from the experience, or what you gained or lost. After examining this particular situation closely, you may realize that the events leading up to it fell into place because of something you desired. This can all seem confusing and sort of like being in a maze but, we've all used the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" at one time or another. We almost feel like we have to believe that. I mean, what choice do we have anyway? It happened and we have to deal with it.

I can look back on major events in my life and sort of put the pieces to several puzzles together. I wish I had kept a more consistent and daily journal because my memory is starting to fade on so many events. Even the more recent ones!! I can talk to old friends and they will bring up events that I have completely forgotten. Sometimes I'll say, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that" and then other times my mind is completely blank.

So, the word "fate" to me is heavy-laden. It's rather grandiose for a simple four-letter word. It's an all-encompassing, larger than life, kind of word. Sometimes it can even be a little scary or intimidating. It's your FATE! Ahhh! Scary! But, then realistically it's something that we can embrace and examine and cherish. We can hold our lives in the palm of our hand, examine them, analyze them and say, "Oh, I get it now."

To be quite honest, I haven't been happy with 100% of my fate. Maybe 75%?? There are so many things I wish I had done differently. There are also many things that I wish I could change about my personality and my behaviors. But, are we able to really do that? Does "fate" take over anyway? No matter how we try to change and take control, will fate always dominate? It seems to be a vicious cycle in some ways. Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

I figure I've lived about two-thirds of my life (I'm thinking optimistically here that I don't get hit by a truck tomorrow). So, I still have some time to consider my fate and try to make some sense of it. I don't view my life as a total waste, although as I said earlier, I would certainly do some things differently. But, I certainly don't want to be stagnant and wait around to just see what fate has to offer. I would like to have a little more control in the matter. I feel that I deserve that much.

So....fate....you're a tiny word with a lot of weight. I challenge you today. I will look you in the eyes and go forward with my life. I will hold tightly all the things that have made me who I am today. I will cradle my happy times like a baby and keep them safe. As fate would have it, life is pretty nice right now!

Tick Tock

I know. It's been forever since I've posted on here. Where's my inspiration? Where's all of my designated writing time? What happened to my desire to write?

Honestly, the days seem to go by so quickly! I never get as much done as I plan to and my list never gets completely completed. There's always one or two or three things that I never get to. Yet, I see (or actually read on facebook) a lot of my friends living for Fridays. Willing the days to go by quickly. Every time I read a post such as, "two more days until Friday," or "7 hours and 25 minutes until the weekend," I can't help but think that so many people are wishing their lives away!

Maybe because I'm getting older and right on the outskirts of 50, I'm very sensitive about wishing for warp speed when it comes to my days of living. Maybe it's because I don't have a job that I dislike or maybe it's because I don't have a job at all! I know that I was always counting down the days to holidays when I worked as a teacher. Days off from work during the week were the best! So sure, I have certainly been guilty of wanting days (or weeks) to go by oh so quickly.

I guess it all comes down to loving, enjoying, and relishing in what we do on a daily basis, particularly our jobs. My biggest job right now is raising my son. I certainly don't want the days to zoom by when it comes to him being young and thinking of me as a goddess! To him, I'm beautiful, funny, entertaining, amazing, and basically..... omnipotent! Yes, that's me.....Mommie the Goddess of Everything! All hail to me!

So, I guess while I'm panicking over what doesn't get done on my "To Do" list and my friends are TGIFing, the earth will just continue to spin on its axis as usual. Creating 60 seconds in every minute, 60 minutes in every hour, 24 hours in every day, seven days in a week, and so on. Time. It is what it is ....... and no amount of wishing, dreading, anticipating, or holding our breath will ever change it. Not here on earth anyway. But, that's a "whole nother" blog post.

Autumn

Autumn rain here in the Blue Ridge Mountains can be a gloomy affair. It’s cooler than the weather we’ve previously experienced in late August, it’s darker outside – even at noon, and it continues for a much longer period. Gone are the short and warm summer showers. During the fall season, rain continues steadily for sometimes several days. We don’t really appreciate it like we do in the summer since nothing needs to grow, like crops or flowers and so we wonder why we even need so much rain at one time.

My house has a tin roof and I love it! I grew up in a house with a tin roof so, naturally it produces a sound that proves to be nostalgic, relaxing, and settling to me. I wonder why we are drawn to such droning sounds. The ocean sounds the same 24/7 as the waves hit the sand, yet we love that continuous and lulling resonance. We’re out on the beach most of the day and if we are fortunate to have ocean front lodging, we open our doors or windows at night so that we can hear that same sound. Odd, we humans are. (I’m forming my sentences like Yoda in Star Wars now!!) I’d like to think that we develop these habits and tendencies because we are drawn to forces of nature. I mean, some people even buy machines to mimic the sounds of nature and use them for sleep or relaxation purposes.

Ok, so back to the autumn rains (I digress!). There’s also something sad about this rainy season. We know that the leaves will be coming off the trees soon and the green fields will be turning to sprays of brown and wheat colors. Corn fields will be stripped of the vibrant green stalks and look like shreds of paper blowing from sticks. Flower gardens that looked so vibrant in color and freshly manicured in the spring and summer, will have a swampy and dismal appearance.

We put away our shorts and t-shirts and pull out wrinkled bundles of sweat pants and long sleeved shirts from boxes labeled “winter clothes.” We hear chainsaws in the distance as people prepare to stock wood piles for heat. We smell the first remnants of wood smoke traveling through the air like a familiar song we might hear on the radio. It’s a sure reminder that cold days and nights are ahead.

I can’t help but equate this time of year to my own life. I guess when I let go of tending to my flowers and wearing sandals, I also relinquish my free-spirited and blithe demeanor for a more conservative and sheltered mindset. The doors are closed and I retreat to my cocoon of warmth and protection. I focus now on the dusty shelves and neglected corners of the rooms, much like the inside of my head! I tune in …… and turn in ……. and listen. Oh yeah, I think…….there’s that. It’s back. That darkness that can spread so rapidly before I even know it's there. So, it’s time to pamper myself with a hot cider and soup like therapy. Wrap myself up in a blanket and fight off the coldness of the world.

I watch and listen to the rain outside my window, thinking of the many autumns that have passed through my life. The multitudes of people with whom I have shared my time and thoughts. The mass of feelings that have swept through my heart. And I can only hope that with the rain that falls on this autumn day, so will my fears and obscurity. That I will have the warm and sheltering comfort of my friends and family. That I will take time out from the grey skies of this season and focus on the sunshine that finds its way inside me..... if I let it. I think I will.

Adrenaline

I'm up early this morning. On one hand, that's a good thing because I "think" best in the mornings and seem to get more accomplished on my to-do list. On the other hand, I only had about 4 hours of good sleep and I have a long and packed day ahead of me. I know that around 3:00 or 4:00 this afternoon, I'll be wanting a nap and won't be able to partake of that luxury today. Why does this always seem to happen? When our schedule for the day is quite full and our bodies haven't had the adequate amount of rest needed to get through the tasks. How much of our lives do we operate on adrenaline?

When I was younger, this sleep deprived/active lifestyle phenomenon seemed to be the norm for me. College (all 10 years of it) consisted of all nighters, studying, writing papers, or completing projects that I waited until the last minute to do. It also consisted of partying with friends and experiencing inebriation on a week night, merging into the next morning. We would then attend that 8:00 am class with red eyes, brain fog, and remnants of alcohol on our breath, no matter how much we gargled with mouthwash (actually it seem to exude from our pores).

But, there's a lot to be said for adrenaline and I, for one have subsisted on its unique qualities for many years. It seems to kick in when we're doing something we love or something we have to do! I doubt it can be measured scientifically, easily anyway, as it deals with brain.....stuff. (I know.....I have a scholarly vocabulary). Nonetheless, whatever it is...it's good stuff.
It's actually a hormone that we naturally produce, via our adrenal gland, when we are in high-stress or physically exhilarating situations. Isn't that cool? To know we have a natural drug in our bodies that kicks in when we need it and we don't even have to pay for it? According to our textbook information on the term "fight or flight," we've been using this awesome drug since we had to fend off wild animals from killing us. Then, there was the "turning the tables" condition of using our adrenaline to actually kill wild animals in order to eat. According to wiseGeek.com, adrenaline is "an early evolutionary adaptation to allow better coping with dangerous and unexpected situations. With dilated blood vessels and air passages, the body is able to pass more blood to the muscles and get more oxygen into the lungs in a timely manner, increasing physical performance for short bursts of time." Huh....it gets even cooler, right?
Whatever adrenaline is, be it scientific, physical, or even spiritual, I know I'm going to be depending on it's effects for the remainder of the day and possibly throughout my life. In fact, I am quite enamored by the fact that this incredible marvel will be accompanying me whenever I need it. It's just one more gift we've been given from mother nature. Now, for that third cup of coffee......

Assignment #1

Ok, so I’ve been given this assignment from my sister (Sadie) to write about what the world would be like if we were all blind! Gee……talk about funneling down the topic for the sake of paragraph development – NOT so much in this case. Indeed, this seemed like a ridiculously broad topic to me; nevertheless, I started putting some thought into it and decided to give it a shot.

Sadie pointed out some good things regarding the economy and how it would be different. For instance, we wouldn’t be able to see how to drive, so we wouldn’t need automobiles, and we wouldn’t need the gasoline for them; hence, no need for oil wars!! So, there you go. Voila! World peace problem solved.

A multitude of industries would definitely be affected though, such as, cosmetics (nobody would care how we looked without makeup), clothing and fashion (all we’d need would be a blanket or perhaps a comfy loin cloth of some sort for the weather, comfort, and protection), home décor (we wouldn’t need to decorate our homes….just the basic furniture to sit on, lie on, and eat on), sports equipment and the sports business in general (we wouldn’t be able to see how to catch, throw, putt, kick, hit, or punch; we couldn’t watch sports either -- live or TV), so you get the point. The economy would be completely different based upon our needs.

However, knowing the human being like I do, I’m sure we’d make up for all of those unneeded industries with others. For example, we would be so much more dependent upon our other senses; particularly hearing. Therefore, the technology of sound would be a booming industry and of course we would be forced to just listen to everyone instead of LOOK and listen. So, radio and sound recordings would continue to be a huge necessity. Luckily the music industry would flourish but, unfortunately the other arts would suffer. We already know that blind people can really kick ass on a musical instrument so, no problems there. But, no need for the wonderful painters or even color for that matter! So, as this topic is getting way too broad and entirely out of hand, I will let your imagination and intrigue do the rest and come up with all the zillion other stuff I could write about but won’t!

As far as our relationships with people, a much needed change could possibly occur. We wouldn’t be so judgmental on how one looks but, we would certainly be into how they feel and smell!! We would be more conscious of how we speak and be mindful of the tone and inflections of our voices. But, perhaps by not being able to see the person we would be more intuitive with each other. We’d be more sensitive because we would “sense” others’ feelings and thoughts. Actually, we should really do that anyway but, we don’t always choose to do so. Thus, we would definitely be more dependent upon each other, I feel. I think it would be terrible to be blind and alone anyway. I’m sure that blind people today already feel alone at times even if in a large group of people -- but, physically being alone would make it even worse.

In the end, I think blindness would bring about more fear. Not really knowing what’s going on….even when you’re awake! Not seeing what people are doing, not seeing their expressions, and feeling that you’re not receiving the absolute truth. So, not only is our fear enhanced but, our trust is disabled as well.

I’m guessing that God really knew what he was doing when he gave us FIVE senses (well, actually SIX if you count intuition). He knew that we would not be whole (as a society) without the gift of sight. He knew the right combinations, ingredients, components, design, features, etc. in order to create a functional human being. I, for one am glad that he figured that one out -- Because, I really like having eyes. Sight brings me a plethora of happiness. Like when I see my son smile at me or his expression as he reads a book – I just completely melt with emotion. When I see the sunrise in the morning, I feel hope and gratitude for a continuation of life, love, and all that could possibly happen that day. When I see my mother’s face as I visit her and feel comfort, knowing that I still have her on this earth with me – seeing that same face that looked at me as a child and made me feel that I was always safe and loved. To be able to see the beautiful little house that I grew up in, as I enter the driveway. Just knowing it’s still there, looking basically the same, always makes me feel like….me again.

So, dear sister -- as I ponder your question with much thought and contemplation, let me just say that in my well-educated opinion...... I think the world would be damn scary if we were all blind! How's that for a scholarly statement? Seriously, we would probably still be thinking that we were all standing on a vast, flat surface with a lot more obstacles than just some occasional big rock that we bump into, or a wild animal that we need to run from. Our obstacles would also include fear, doubt, distrust, apprehension, and anxiety! Yeah, we all experience these emotions already but, come on……why double the dosage? So, since I obviously cannot think of a clever and significant ending for this never ending topic …..I’ll just finally end with a verse of a song that’s been going on in my head ever since I started this continuous rant:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me down.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day!

Renewal

I’ve learned a lot about people over the years but, it seems that during the past five years, I’ve had an overdose of conflict and clashing. By clashing I mean, personalities that you just don’t jive with, mesh with, or even comprehend. The main thing that I’ve realized is that some people never grow up! They create the same environment and situations that you found yourself a part of in middle and high school! They are locked in their cages of jealousy, malevolence, and resentment. They are so consumed with their own feelings that they want others to join them in experiencing the same hostility. So, they speak, and talk, and converse, and chatter…..until they feel they’ve proven their point and have gained a few converts and loyal believers. The stories start to grow, the exaggerations begin to expand, and the fabrications appear to be real and solid truth.

I’ve encountered these personalities in the workplace and the culprits have all been my age or older! I just don’t get it. I was always taught to respect my elders and by God, I have! However, these latest episodes have proven to be disheartening to me. Why is it that some people feel the need to hurt (emotionally) another human being? Why do they feel the need to diminish others’ self-esteem and strip them of faith? Are they so poisoned by jealousy and bitterness that they are willing to use the spoken word as a weapon? Why is that some people, particularly women, feed on juvenile tactics and pot-stirring?

I truly believe that we are all connected energetically by a spiritual power and force of the universe and by God. I want to believe that all human beings are innately good and in want of the betterment of mankind. I want to believe that when a person hurts another, they feel remorseful because they realize they have unjustly and mistakenly created negative energy.

I’m realizing that my previous incidents of pain and distrust have caused me to somewhat hide and hibernate. I feel that I’m currently unemployed because I am so scarred and marred that I am afraid to go back out into the battlefield of society. I guess I’m just not ready …….. and just maybe, God knows that. Perhaps he is nursing me back to spiritual health and allowing me to lick my emotional wounds. If that is the case, then I know what my next goal in this life is. I know what I must conquer and surmount: My tolerance and understanding of our diverse mankind, a stronger backbone and thicker skin to uphold my dignity, and most importantly………to renew my trust in the human spirit.

I'm OK, You're OK, We're OK!

A couple of things have happened recently that have caused me to reminisce and reflect on my youth.....namely my school years. First of all, I taught a music camp at the Spencer-Penn Centre a couple of weeks ago. This place used to be an elementary school, in which I attended and is now renovated to house community events. As I walked through the very familiar halls and opened the doors to some of the classrooms, I was visually hit with instant memories. Flashes of scenes entered my mind as I nostalgically wandered the building. The smell was even familiar. But, what really intrigued me were the "feelings" that crept inside of me. Deep and familiar feelings of .........well.... discomfort, uneasiness, ....... even fear. I would drive back home each day of music camp, thinking of so many past occurrences and people. I guess "riding down memory lane" as they say. But, I just couldn't shake these odd feelings I had.

After days of this, I realized that probably everyone goes through a "not-so-happy" element of being a child in a school setting. You're expected to dwell in a very large room with other children, (who have their own set of problems and differences) and adults with loud and sometimes harsh demands. You're expected to toss aside your personal beliefs and desires for the day and conform to a multitude of rules, exercises, and duties. You're 5 or 6 years old and you have no idea what the heck is going on or why you're there in the first place. All of your conditioned responses are kicked into high gear and so you cry, worry, wonder, feel frustrated, and .....yes, feel "fear."

Oh, we get the hang of it after awhile -- some of us, more quickly than others. We adapt, we conform, and we learn the drill. We learn when to laugh and when to smile. We learn to raise our hands and hold our pee. We learn to eat what is placed before us and when it's given to us. We learn how to be quiet for long periods of time. We begin to understand that for a specified number of hours during the day, we are ......"somebody else. " We are someone totally different than who we are at home. We are the person that was created in that large room.

(Talk about going off on a tangent! Didn't intend to go there!! )

The other thing that has made me think about my school life is reconnecting with friends on Facebook. It's amazing how people seem to change over the years (not just physically) but, their ways of thinking and their daily concerns and life goals. We're aware (sometimes) that we ourselves change but, never really think about how others do. So, do we just call all of that change "growing up?" I think so.

Something that people probably never realized in school was that I was extremely....... SHY!! Yes, I was! I was insecure, timid, and always afraid. (Remember those feelings that I talked about earlier??) They mostly disappear over time but, we are constantly reminded of them throughout our lives. Basically, during our school years we're obsessed with being "accepted." We constantly strive for others' approval. Which is absolutely ludicrous because they are feeling the same things we are! Ok, another tangent.....but, we carry so much baggage from our school days with us throughout our lives. We fear that people will always remember us or see us in negative ways. But, weren't we all just experiencing life? Learning and growing? Experimenting? Going through trial and error periods? That's life. We all have to do it. The problem is that when you're "doing" all of those things, you get ridiculed and judged. Because that's how young people handle things --- Because you have gone astray from the "big classroom rules and expectations." You can't be an individual for heaven's sake.......you have to be a group! And the "group" doesn't recognize or accept differences, or ideas, or .......... growth. (I know, that's tangent #3)
I always felt different from my friends in school for one reason or another. But, I accept who I was then and know that those experiences are partly responsible for who I am today. Sometimes, my experiences were fun and brought a lot of joy......and many times they brought tears and very painful feelings of despair and frustration. But, in the end they culminated into a contented state of mind and being.......an individual who benefitted from experience. Who tasted life in sometimes unusual ways. Nevertheless, I felt what I felt .....I did what I did.....and I am who I am.

So, if you ever find yourself wandering through the halls and classrooms of one of your old schools, and you're bombarded with unidentified feelings ......... just think about my little tangents above and know that you're normal.....you're not crazy......you're not scarred from past events.......you're just.....YOU! and that's ok!

Right Here

Gareth (my 2-year-old) always wants me or his Dad in his presence if at all possible. Whenever one of us walks into the room where he is playing or watching TV, he'll pat the couch or chair and say, "right here." This cute gesture of his immediately brings a smile to my face, of course. For he is the light of my life, this little being. A ray of sunshine in my sometimes cloudy life.

I read a lot! I love reading. It's one of my passions. I read fiction and non-fiction. The non-fiction that I read is usually spiritually based or something along the lines of "getting my head straight." I'm constantly seeking answers it seems, hoping to find those "ah-ha" revelations in one book after another. I've been known to read 4 or 5 books at a time!!! Especially the non-fiction, because I'm eagerly awaiting for the epiphany....... the realization....... the answer.

I also look at websites that offer advice, insight, and .......answers. The web is loaded with this stuff and I'm right there surfing along, trying to find......the answer. This morning, I was on Oprah's website looking at several of her featured authors' blogs. You can scroll down and find most any topic of self-help or better yet, buy their book for the full result! As I quickly skimmed through one blog after another, I caught myself and had my own realization. I know where the answers are. They are where they have always been. Inside me. God gave us a spritual life-line that's connected to his all-knowingness. Call it what you will...... instinct, intuition, common sense! But, we all have it. So, as I sat there reading a blog and had this moment of inspiration..........I closed my eyes........put my hand on my chest..... and thought to myself, those sweet and simple words......RIGHT HERE!

Full Circle

Hmmmm......let's see.....I don't even know what I'm going to write about. In fact, I won't even title this post until the end, so that I can figure out what I said!! I'm just in one of those moods........blurry, vague, mindless, foggy.....

I'm tired from a busy and unusual weekend so, hopefully that's the main culprit for my status. I actually got to see my niece, Shana this weekend, who flew in to Virginia Beach from San Diego for her brother, Justin's graduation. Shana reminds me of me when I was her age in her situation and mindset. We both left home at a young age -- across the country -- and made stable lives for ourselves. We were both adaptable and acclimated easily to a totally different culture. We both found love and serious relationships, careers, and a unique array of friends.

I know that because I moved away from home at such a young age, it changed who I was, in a sense. Probably for the better. I became, almost a little more "worldly" if you will, especially since I came from such a small, stagnant, and conservative area of the east coast. I think the same has happened to Shana but, in a different way, for she was a "military brat," as they say and lived in many different areas of the country, including California. So, she had an advantage over me! But, she left her immediate family when she was 18 (like I was) and has successfully made a life for herself far away from them. Not many teenagers are able to do that......believe me! However, I moved to San Antonio, Texas and lived with my sister Deb (Shana's mother) and Dave for awhile until I could get my own place. I had family out there.....whereas, Shana did not --- in Cali.

I guess you could say my life has come full circle. I'm back near the area in which I grew up. After a long and eventful time of moving, colleges, friends, relationships, and careers. I feel ok with where I am now, geographically speaking. I'm not happy with where my career is at the moment but, hopefully I can change that soon. I like being a "country girl" once again, where there was a time that I didn't like that title. I love the heritage here, that I really never embraced while growing up. I love the landscapes here in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, even after living in the Colorado Rockies (a place where I was determined to live). I love the bluegrass music -- something I was ashamed of when I was younger, even though my grandfather played a kick-ass fiddle in his time. Although, I have now been classically trained in music, I realize the depth and richness of that "old-time" music. It's true that you really don't appreciate things until you're much older.

I don't know where, when, or how Shana will come full circle in her life. I know she doesn't have the same history that I did as a child. She moved around with her military family a lot while I stayed in the same house until I was 18. But, I feel she will find her place wherever she decides to settle. Perhaps she has already found it in California. She has an exciting life ahead of her and already has an incredibly strong and stable persona at such a young age. I'm quite proud of who she has become and I know that even if she were not my neice, I would still enjoy being her friend. She has gotten so darn smart, charming, and absolutely gorgeous! I wish only the best for my little pickle toes (my nickname for her when she was very young). I love her like I would my own daughter......I always have actually. In fact, I probably wanted to be her mother when she was young!!! She was such a fun, sweet, and entertaining little girl.

This weekend, Shana and I were reminiscing about our trip to France. I took her with me as a high school graduation gift to her. We had an amazing time! Not just because it was France, but because we both tackled the unfamiliarity and challenge of a foreign country with a different language. We were quite proud of ourselves for being able to do the things we did and see the places we saw. We ventured all over Paris and the small town of Fere un Tardenois by ourselves and never felt afraid. Perhaps, in some way, that trip inspired and planted the seed for Shana to feel she could "go off" by herself in the world and succeed. Who knows.......

So, I guess I know what to title this post now. I began writing, not really knowing what I would write about. It's funny how writing can conjure up memories and events that you haven't thought of in a while. It's during these times that you can look at your life (almost from a distance) and see how the places, people, and events all fit into place; how they have made you the person you are; and how they make you realize that indeed, your life has come full circle.

Who Am I? Where Am I? What Am I Doing?

Well, I haven't been posting on this blog like I had originally planned. It seems that everytime I attempt to, I have a distraction. Let's see, there's Gareth of course, or I'm too sleepy, the phone rings, Maggie needs out, I need to clean the house, or ......... I'm just not inspired.

I'm realizing more and more during this age of technology (just cell phones and the computer for me) that we really don't take time to clear our heads and our schedules to just go within and listen to what's going on inside of US. We sure know what's going on in the rest of world via CNN 24/7, FaceBook, MySpace, text messages, emails, and whatever else we're in tune with. Before I immersed myself in technology (mainly the '80's) I took a lot more time to read, think, and reflect. I meditated, prayed, and wrote poetry and songs. I sewed and made crafts!! I played my guitar and piano. I don't do half of these things anymore and I blame it on technology. We're lured into the traps of "going places" (cyberly speaking) with the push of a button. We read about other people's thoughts, lives, and ideas.

I wonder what I would do if all of these things were taken away from me for about a month. What would I do with my time? I hope that I would find "me" again and get to know myself like I used to. I certainly reflected what was in my heart and my head through my songs and poetry. I meditated and talked to God. I listened to my albums, cassette tapes, and later, CDs. I was inspired by the lyrics of songs and books that I would stay up all night to read.

Yes, my life is so different now. I've lived in many places, met tons of people, and have friends all over the world. I've taken 100's of classes and become knowledgeable in a whole lot of stuff!! But, I know all this stuff and all these people and don't really know me anymore. I mean, I do know me but, I'm not listening to the engine that makes me run. I'm sure it has some clicks and knocks and spewing going on. And just like our automobiles, I know I need a periodic tune up, check up, and pick up to keep me running on all four cylinders.

I know that by indulging myself into these quiet and meditative practices, I will feel more complete, happy, and inspired. So, if you see more posts on this blog in the future than of late, you'll know that I took more time to find out what's going on in the life and mind and heart of Jenny.

Decorating Delight

Decorating my home (and there have been many!!!) has always been important to me. I love to decorate, as do my three sisters, and my mother. I'm sure we all get it from Mama but, we all have different styles and tastes when it comes to decorating our homes. I've always wondered why we all do that. Obviously, our home environment is important to us; not only by the way it looks but, how it makes us feel.

When I decorate, it's a reflection of many things. Obviously my taste, which has changed many times over the years. Since I like several different styles, I have a mixture of them in my home. I also include items that have been given to me, either by family members, friends, or former students. These fixtures have become special to me and bring comfort and familiarity to my space, especially if I have just moved. Finally, I feel that my decorating is a reflection of my need to feel "at home." To feel safe. To have reminders that show where I've been, what I've seen, and how I've aged! Some of my decor has been with me for over 20 years!

Whatever the reasons that have made my family and me avid decorators of our homes, I do know that it brings us feelings of security, sentimentality, and even pride. I think we've all received positive reactions from others regarding our decorating and we enjoy that. I love it when my house is clean and orderly -- which is when the decor really shows -- and I can entertain guests and family. My husband could care less, but I relish in this stuff!

None of us (sisters) ever splurge on a manicure or designer clothes but, we don't think twice about dishing out 7$ on a decorating magazine. If we all were to walk into our Mother's home and spot a Country Living magazine, we would probably all scamper to see it first! There's nothing like flipping through all of those pages of colors, furniture, flowers, and how others have decorated.

I still think I need to assess and analyze this a little more. There must be some deep-seeded reasons for why we all "live" to decorate our homes. May it be Freudian, OCD, or some oddly rooted passion; I feel that the reason will definitely define us in some unique way......a way that only an Ayers girl could understand.

Maggie

My dog Maggie is 11 years old, blind, and almost deaf. She's trying to get used to her new surroundings at the Blue House. Today, I couldn't find her and totally freaked out! She got out of our gate and wandered off. I looked all over our property several times but, couldn't go far because of Gareth. While he took his nap, I went out once again to try to find her. It's almost useless to call for her since she can barely hear. Right before I went out to look for her for the fourth time, I asked for help in finding her. As I went outside, I seemed to know right where to go. Two houses down, in the backyard with a cow pasture, I saw her bushy tail go around the house. I took off running after her calling her. She never turned around. When I finally got to her I touched her and she immediately wagged her tail and rubbed up against me. I didn't have a leash but, she followed me home and seemed to be just as relieved as I was to get inside the house.


I thought about how amazing dogs are, to know someone immediately by a light touch and of course by the smell. Maggie seems to just know my presence and trusts me with her life. If only we (humans) would use our instincts, our intuition, and our hearts to trust others. To follow the path home on blind faith.....knowing that each step will bring you closer...... and knowing that you're being guided by love.

Inspiration

I had a small epiphany today. I realized that getting things done and actually being a "doer" comes from inspiration. When I don't feel inspired, I feel lazy. I feel basically lifeless and bored.

I think that people who watch too much TV have no inspiration. Unless of course, they are inspired by the shows they watch. For instance, I love HGTV and get lots of ideas from the different shows which inspire me to get off my butt and do something to make my house look better. TV addicts surely don't get very much done though. Let's face it, are we really inspired by reality TV?? And what about all of these teeny bopper shows like "Gossip Girl" " The Hills" and mindless, pointless other shows of that nature. I think all they do is teach our young people to be materialistic, rude to everyone, and have sex with all of their friends after they've gotten wasted at a bar in which they're too young to be at anyway. (now, yes, yes, I went to plenty of bars when I was underage but, I went to dance -- not to go home with guys and have sex. I did that when I was older!!)

If I sit down and surf channels, it's because I'm bored.....and ......you got it.....uninspired (if that's even a word). Oh yeah, I have my favorite shows like the rest of 'em. I love "Medium," "Ghost Whisperer," and "Dancing With the Stars" and I make a point to watch them each week. I wouldn't say they inspire me at all but, are a mere source of entertainment. Of course, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking entertainment. However, if we are continually entertained by others on a daily basis, how will we ever entertain ourselves?

Get inspired! Get something done!

Writing poetry

My father loved poetry. He was able to recite very lengthy poems. When I was really young, I wrote poems. Often inspired by nature.....either sitting in the woods surrounding my home or at the ocean. It seems so difficult now as an adult to find inspiration. I never seem to have the time to just sit outside or in some calm setting and try to write a poem anymore.
I like this picture. Obviously because it's a nature setting. But, I also love how the details are set in the color blue. It changes the entire mood than if it were it's natural colors of greys, white, and browns. I also love how this picture incorporates the reflection in the water. That's always one of my favorite elements of any picture.
So, I am now going to use this picture as inspiration to write a poem. Here goes:

I looked for you today.
In the trees, by the water, in the snow.
I listened and smelled and felt and saw.
And when I let my mind go quiet and still,
I knew I wouldn't need to look far.
For you were everywhere I looked and saw beauty,
Everything I heard that was peaceful,
Everything I smelled that brought pleasure,
Everything I felt that was love.

First Post

I've decided to become a blogger because I'm so bad about consistently writing my thoughts down on paper. I've always loved to write and I'm not too bad at writing. This is my journal; to share with my family and friends. These are my thoughts and maybe even a few dreams. I hope to be able express feelings, present updates, keep track of favorite songs and photos. I hope that having a blog will make me.....no, inspire me to write. To keep track of my daily life and reflect on the things that make me happy......that make me...me.